He also stops the puck.

Code:

5:29 of 1st period - Stopped by Stephen Harris without a rebound.

But let this be lesson to all you weekend warriors out there -- one man’s greatness alone isn’t always enough to stop the coming tide, and fate?



is apparently this anime chick, but she’s also a fickle bitch. A lesson aptly delivered to Senor Stephen Harris by way Olli Ojala and his merry men.



You tried, Senor Stephen. You tried.

Code:

3. Moscow Minutemen , Olli Ojala 3 (Joonas Rasmussen 5, Vincent Garland 1) at 7:18

Score is WOOD BUFFALO BUFFALO 1 - 2 MOSCOW MINUTEMEN

The rest of this period was kind of boring, there were a bunch of tripping penalties that neither team could produce on, one Russian dude shot another Russian dude’s wife in the foot because they mistook her for a bear, and the bikini model contestants were nice enough to step in for the missing Ice Girls who haven’t be seen or heard from since the last Pussy Riot EP release.

I guess that means it’s time for an intermisison.

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RIP Senor <s>Stephen</s> Benjamin

Ok we starting up agian.

The arena staff have started handing out vouchers for BOGO bottles of booze at Crazy Ivans Liquor Barn that are only valid if people stay all three periods so whaddya know we still have a crowd at the start of period two.

The puck drops, Michael Walker has it, but there’s some flip-flopping around in neutral ice that results in a few pot-shots at our man Harris. He takes that shit and cleans it up, with no goals for the first minute here.

The nice team from Alberta seems kind of sick of sucking again, so spurred on by the chants of “WE WANT VODKA” from a pissed off crowd, Wood Buffalo Buffalo go to work trying to knock down Moscow’s door.

Zinaida Titova (why isn’t she playing for the Russians with the name like that? Obviously a commie) and Viktor Vorkämpfer tag team the hapless Tord Yvel and turn his body into a punching bag as he stands tall-ish to defend his team’s goal.

Code:

4:37 of 2nd period - Shot by Zinaida Titova.
4:37 of 2nd period - Shot Misses the Net.
4:39 of 2nd period - Shot by Viktor Vorkämpfer.
4:39 of 2nd period - Shot Blocked by Tord Yvel.
4:41 of 2nd period - Shot by Viktor Vorkämpfer.
4:41 of 2nd period - Shot Blocked by Tord Yvel.
4:59 of 2nd period - Shot by Zinaida Titova.
4:59 of 2nd period - Shot Misses the Net

You’re a good man Tord Tvel. I hear fantasy fake hockey has great dental, so your teeth were sacrificed for only the greatest of causes.

CHRIS YORK THOUGH KNOCKING AT THE DOOR WITH SOME SAUCE ON THIS SHOT

Which Jimmy Wagner denies because he loves bathing in the tears of his enemy.

Inspired by their glorious goalie, the Minutemen run with it from their own zone now, and it’s one-two pass coming up the slot from that incredibly sexy bastard Crossfit Jesus to Solaire Azarov (finally a Russian on the right team), who dekes

dances

and backhands one aiming for that spot between Harris’ blocker and leg pad --





























BOOM.

Code:

4. Moscow Minutemen , Solaire Azarov 3 (Crossfit Jesus 2, Stuart Minkus 3) at 6:37

Score is WOOD BUFFALO BUFFALO 1 - 3 MOSCOW MINUTEMEN

Zinaida Titova, our Russian traitor, spots her wailing mother in the crowd. “Why would you betray me, betray your father, betray your country,” she cries, “just to come back and get your asses kicked like a bunch of bitches?”

Titova sees the true pain she’s putting her moms through and thinks -- “My mother is right. If I am going to betray everything I stand for, I better be playing some excellent hockey while I’m at it.”

She skates up to her teammate and rumored ex-lover Viktor Vorkämpfer and slaps him in the face. “Time to stop fucking around, Viktor. We gotta score some goals.”

Viktor kinda digs the whole slap to the face thing but he’s not about to tell Z here, so he squares his shoulders and nods solemnly. “For the missing ice girls, let us make it so.”

And shit but less than a minute later, after recovering a lost puck that Xander Green couldn’t hang on to because he can’t take his hits like a man apparently

It’s Viktor V, with a shot --


MISSES, but recovered by Green trying to make up for getting bodied, who shoots


OFF THE BODY OF TITOVA




and aww fuck, off the crossbar.

BUT WAIT, THEY AIN’T DONE YET -- that crazy Titova hunts down her own near miss, and shoots it

WAGNER WITH A BIG PAD SAVE















… and a rebound? Ooops. Titova is all over like pickles on ice cream



Titova’s mother’s tears of shame turn into wails of triumph in the stand.

Code:

5. Wood Buffalo Buffalo , Zinaida Titova 1 (Xander Green 2, Viktor Vorkämpfer 1) at 7:05